History Of The Net
==================

First there was God. He was quite lonely so he created Dennis.

Dennis was unimpressed with God.

So,… God created Brian.

But, Brian got bored with God.

So Brian and Dennis started playing, and they created C. God saw
C, and saw that it was good. So he decided to let Brian and
Dennis play some more.

Then Brian and Dennis created Unix. God saw Unix, and he was
jealous. So he created Bill to torment Brian and Dennis and
obscure their creation (for God could not destroy Unix, for he
secretly admired its perfection).

So Bill created Microsoft. And Microsoft created Windows. And
God saw that it was bad, but it had market share, so he was
happy. Then Bill got cocky, and his ego got bigger than God’s. So
to knock Bill down a couple of pegs, God put into effect, a
wondrous plan.

First God created Tim. And Tim created the World Wide Web
(using Unix, of course). This was good, but not THAT good. So God
created Marc. Marc created Mosaic (using Unix, of course).
Mosaic created a huge feeding frenzy that has got a lot of people
who are reading this their jobs.

But that’s a different story. Mosaic was good, and God saw it
was good, so he allowed Marc to start Netscape. Back to this
later.

But all this time Brian and Dennis started to make something
better than Unix called Plan 9 (because God was successful in
foiling Brian and Dennis’ previous seven plans [there was no
Plan 8 because Brian and Dennis pulled the wool over God’s eyes
and just jumped to Plan 9, which was too bright a move for even
God
to figure out.]
)

Eventually, God figured out how to create Larry.

No one knows how or why he created Larry, except perhaps to
reduce productivity at the Jet Propulsion Labs at NASA. [Rumors
are that God created Larry because he secretly liked what Dennis
and Brian had done with C, but didn’t think C and Unix was
enough — this probably isn’t true because God believed he had
destroyed Brian and Dennis’ plans by destroying Plans 1-7, and
by creating Microsoft to slay their beloved Unix.

Anyhow, Larry created Perl (using Unix and C, of course), and
God saw it was good, so he made Randal. Larry and Randal wrote
books about Perl. And everyone saw that this was good, except
snobs who were too much into C, Windows, and Intel. (It so
happens
that Randal was so cool he figured out a way to break into Unix
at Intel, and Intel sued him for it but that’s another story
also
— chances are Randal would not have been able to break into
*Plan 9* at Intel, but Intel isn’t cool enough to be running
Plan 9)

Anyhow, back to Randal. So Randal and Larry wrote books, but
they had to be nice because of the people they worked for. So
then came Tom. But back to Tom later.

Anyhow, God saw Netscape (made using Unix and C, of course),
and he saw it was good, and that annoyed Bill quite a bit. And
that made Him very happy, and made Marc very rich. But Bill was
very very rich. But that’s a *completely* different story.

But as good as Larry’s creation, Perl, was, it couldn’t do
everything, so God created Scott. Scott announced Java, and this
was big news. Now Java really pissed Bill off, because Bill
also created Blackbird, and Java killed Blackbird. This was bad
because killing Blackbird also meant killing the Microsoft
Network. And many rejoiced over that, but that, too is another
story.

Now Java, obviously had done much to annoy Bill. For Java was
so good that Bill had to license Java. All this time, Scott
poked lots of fun at Bill because Sun, which was where Scott
worked, made a better OS, derived — of course — from Unix,
which was better than Bill’s and Microsoft’s Windows.

Anyhow, even God’s creations Steve and Steve who created Apple
couldn’t make Bill license the much superior MacOS. But
finally, Bill had to license Java. So justice was served, and
Bill’s ego was served him on a platter for him to eat his
words. Or something. That part is unclear.

So by this time Windows and Microsoft and Bill in general
really sucked. Especially considering the advantages that Brian
and Dennis’ C and Unix, running Marc’s Netscape and Mosaic over
Tim’s World Wide Web, doing cool CGI stuff with Larry’s Perl,
which you learned from Randal and Tom, and got to program with
Scott’s Java.
And God realized he had put Bill down too far. So then God made
it so that Marc’s Netscape and Mosaic could run on Windows. We
already know that Bill had to license Java from Scott. We know
that Bill missed the boat for not beating Tim to the punch on
the World Wide Web. The last straw was for God to make it
possible for Larry’s Perl to run on Bill’s Windows.

So back to Tom. Tom was a Perl God. And God didn’t like this,
but Tom’s a God so there isn’t much God could do, so He couldn’t
stop Tom from saying things like “install an operating system on
your poor lonely computer the way God and Dennis intended”, and
“Espousing the eponymous /cgi-bin/perl.exe?FMH.pl execution
model is like reading a suicide note — three days too late.”

The moral to the story? God is fickle. That’s why Microsoft and
Bill and Windows exists. Do what God intended, install C, Unix,
Mosaic/Netscape, Java, and Perl on your system, and make
Brian, Dennis, Larry, Tim, Tom, Randal, Scott, and even Steve
and Steve, I’m sure, happy by doing so.

Oh yeah, Linus was cool too. He’s the guy you thank for being
able to run all the cool stuff on your crappy little Pee Cee.
(anything with > x86 on it, by default, is crappy, no PERSONAL
flames intended.

Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
the reader! For example, the sentence

Jane went to the store to buy bread

should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn’t allow bread or if
Jane doesn’t exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
my free pamphlet, “The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!”!
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they’re all cocker spaniels!)

One day John was complaining to his friend “my elbow hurts. I better
see a doctor”. His friend said, Don’t do that. There is a computer in
the drug store that can diagnose anything. It’s quicker and cheaper
than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and
it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It
only costs $10.00.
John figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine
sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird
nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small
slip of paper printed. It said:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, John
began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the brew.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and
deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out
the following analysis:

Your water is hard,
get a softener.

Your dog has worms,
get him shots.

Your daughter is using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.

Your wife is pregnant,
it’s not yours, get a lawyer.

If you don’t stop jerking off,
your tennis elbow will never get better!

Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight.
Look how many calories you can burn:

* TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement…………………………12 cal
Without her agreement……………………..187 cal

* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands…………………………….8 cal
With one hand……………………………..12 cal
With one hand being slapped…………………37 cal
With the mouth…………………………….85 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection………………………………6 cal
Without erection………………………….315 cal

* WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up…………………………….12 cal
Just on the floor…………………………..8 cal

* POSITIONS
daddy-mummy……………………………….12 cal
69 laying………………………………….8 cal
69 standing up……………………………112 cal
Trolley………………………………….216 cal
Italian chandelier………………………..912 cal

* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real…………………………………….112 cal
Fake…………………………………….315 cal

* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed…………………………….18 cal
Jumping off the bed………………………..36 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed……….816 cal

* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age………………12 cal
from 20 to 29……………………………..36 cal
from 30 to 39…………………………….108 cal
from 40 to 49…………………………….324 cal
from 50 to 59…………………………….972 cal
over 60…………………………………2916 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly…………………………………..32 cal
Being in a hurry…………………………..98 cal
With her husband opening the door………….1218 cal

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* *
* BEERS OF THE (SOFTWARE) WORLD *

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can’t buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop- tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you’re told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians’ Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.