1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male…. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

This is a joke made up from the "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" movie where Arthur meets The Knights Who Say "Ni!"

——————————————————————————

BOFHen: LART! LART! LART! LART! LART!

Arthur: Who are you?

BOFHen: We are the BOFHen who say… LART!

Arthur (horrified): No! Not the BOFHen who say “LART!”

BOFHen: The same.

Arthur (to Bedevere): Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

BOFHen: The BOFHen demand….. a clue!

Arthur: BOFHen, we are but simple travellers who seek free advice about the administration of our home linux machines.

BOFHen: LART! LART! LART! LART! LART!

Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!

BOFHen: We shall LART you again… if you do not appease us.

Arthur: Well, what is it you want?

BOFHen: We want…..

(pregnant pause)

A 166 MHz Pentium!!!!

(minor music)

Arthur: A *WHAT*?

BOFHen: LART! LART! LART! LART! LART!

Arthur: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a 166 MHz
Pentium.

BOFHen: You must return here with a 166 MHz Pentium… or else you will
never log in… alive.

Arthur: O BOFHen, you are just and fair, and we will return with a 166 MHz
Pentium.

BOFHen: One that looks nice.

Arthur: Of course!

BOFHen: And not *too* expensive.

Arthur: Yes!

BOFHen (excitedly): THEN… Then, when you have found the 166 MHz Pentium,
you must place it here, beside this 25 MHz 486, only slightly higher
so we get the two-level effect with a little private ethernet running
down the middle.

Then, when you have found the 166 MHz Pentium, you must process ten
thousand e-mail messages a minute… wiiiiiithh… A HERRING!

(minor music)

Arthur: We shall do no such thing!

BOFHen: Oh, please!

Arthur: Process e-mail with a herring? Not even qmail would run on that!

BOFHen: AAugh! AAAAAH! Oww!! (writhe in pain) Don’t say that word!

Arthur: What word?

BOFHen: I cannot tell; suffice to say, it is one of the words the denizens
of alt.sysadmin.recovery cannot hear!

Arthur: How can we *not* say the word if you don’t tell us how you expect us
to run the system fast enough not to queue mail?

(BOFHen are in pain again)

BOFHen: Ahhhh! He said it again!

Arthur: What, “if”?

BOFHen: No, not “if”! You couldn’t write many computer programs without
saying “if”!

Bedevere: My liege! It’s Sir Robin!

Sir Robin and his minstrels “ride” up.

Minstrels (singing): He’s sacking it in, and packing it up,

Robin: My liege! Finally that qmail ftp is done and I could come down to
the pub.

BOFHen: Now *he’s* said the word!

Arthur: Surely you’ve not given up on trying to get foo.example.net on-line
by tomorrow morning?

Minstrels, by way of answering: He’s sneaking away, and buggering off,

Robin: Shut up! No no, no, I’ve got qmail building right now!

BOFHen: He said the word again!

Robin: … I was… estimating the load at which we’d begin to queue mail…

BOFHen: AAAAAAAuugh!

Robin: uh, here — here while sitting on a lawn along the canal.

Arthur: No, there’s a routing problem between the wireless network here
and www.qmail.org .

BOFHen: Aaaaaaugh! Stop saying the word!!!!

Arthur (getting really amused by the BOFHen): OH, STOP MAKING ME QUEUE MAIL!!

BOFHen: Ow! He said it again!

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whiskey you cow.” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, “And get me another whiskey you bitch.” Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for coffee. Go and get it now, or I’ll give you a slap.”

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you’re a cheeky bastard.”

---

Two planes arrived at flight control at exactly the same time. Flight control said, “Delta, Continental, you both arrived at the same time. Who wants to go first?”

The Continental pilot immediately heard, “Go ahead, Delta, I’ll wait!”

---

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “Aren’t those parachutes?”

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

---

“If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music… and of aviation.” — Tom Stoppard

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better.” This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is, say “you better be.” Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words “F**K you” and grab the other girl’s ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks it’s going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can.”

9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick.” Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she’s cold…and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say “if you don’t stop complaining about the cold right now, you’re going to be complaining about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn’t girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you’re in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she’ll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order, interrupt and say “no, she’s not hungry.” Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I’m talking about).

21. When it’s raining, keep asking her if she’s crying. She’ll say “no, it’s just the rain.” Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her that material objects aren’t important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she’s coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.

26. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you’re going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited, then don’t call

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO …… Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! “Round” is a shape!