1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better.” This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is, say “you better be.” Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words “F**K you” and grab the other girl’s ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks it’s going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can.”

9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick.” Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she’s cold…and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say “if you don’t stop complaining about the cold right now, you’re going to be complaining about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn’t girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you’re in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she’ll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order, interrupt and say “no, she’s not hungry.” Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I’m talking about).

21. When it’s raining, keep asking her if she’s crying. She’ll say “no, it’s just the rain.” Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her that material objects aren’t important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she’s coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.

26. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you’re going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited, then don’t call

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO …… Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! “Round” is a shape!

Interviewer: “Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?”

Bill Gates: “No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great
programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to
the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished
out listings of their operating system.”

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Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

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“It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure
to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.”
-Dijkstra

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“The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.”
- _The Wizardry Compiled_ by Rick Cook

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“The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of
referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given
that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.
This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.”
- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

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“C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.”
- Bjarne Stroustrup

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“Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.”
- Henry Spencer

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“Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time.”
- David Gries, in “Compiler Construction for Digital Computers”, circa 1969.

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BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don’t RETURN.

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Real programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars don’t turn from 99,999 to 99,99A.

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FORTRAN is not a language. It’s a way of turning a multi-million
dollar mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator.

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C is almost a real language. Even the name sounds like it’s gone through
an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we’ll talk.

*******************************************************************

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.

*******************************************************************

Programming is 10% science, 25% ingenuity and 65% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

*******************************************************************

Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.

*******************************************************************

We don’t really understand it, so we’ll give it to the programmers.

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COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

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Computer interfaces and user interfaces are as different as night and 1.

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The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten 10% of its
capacity, the rest is overhead for the operating system.

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A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren’t broken.

*******************************************************************

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually the programmer.

*******************************************************************

Programming is an art form that fights back.

*******************************************************************

After a number of decimal places, who cares?

*******************************************************************

“Virtual” means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.

*******************************************************************

If at first you don’t succeed, you must be a programmer.

*******************************************************************

“It’s 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?”

*******************************************************************

If God had intended humans to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

*******************************************************************

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

*******************************************************************

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

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Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

*******************************************************************

PL/1, “the fatal disease”, belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set.

*******************************************************************

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear
no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together.

*******************************************************************

Programming is a lot like sex. One mistake and you could have to support it the rest of your life.

*******************************************************************

Another Glitch in the Call
(Sung to the tune of a Pink Floyd song)
-
We don’t need no indirection
We don’t need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
-
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
-
Chorus:
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.

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You can’t make a program without broken egos.