Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight.
Look how many calories you can burn:

* TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement…………………………12 cal
Without her agreement……………………..187 cal

* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands…………………………….8 cal
With one hand……………………………..12 cal
With one hand being slapped…………………37 cal
With the mouth…………………………….85 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection………………………………6 cal
Without erection………………………….315 cal

* WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up…………………………….12 cal
Just on the floor…………………………..8 cal

* POSITIONS
daddy-mummy……………………………….12 cal
69 laying………………………………….8 cal
69 standing up……………………………112 cal
Trolley………………………………….216 cal
Italian chandelier………………………..912 cal

* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real…………………………………….112 cal
Fake…………………………………….315 cal

* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed…………………………….18 cal
Jumping off the bed………………………..36 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed……….816 cal

* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age………………12 cal
from 20 to 29……………………………..36 cal
from 30 to 39…………………………….108 cal
from 40 to 49…………………………….324 cal
from 50 to 59…………………………….972 cal
over 60…………………………………2916 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly…………………………………..32 cal
Being in a hurry…………………………..98 cal
With her husband opening the door………….1218 cal

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* *
* BEERS OF THE (SOFTWARE) WORLD *

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can’t buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop- tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you’re told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians’ Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male…. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

This is a joke made up from the "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" movie where Arthur meets The Knights Who Say "Ni!"

——————————————————————————

BOFHen: LART! LART! LART! LART! LART!

Arthur: Who are you?

BOFHen: We are the BOFHen who say… LART!

Arthur (horrified): No! Not the BOFHen who say “LART!”

BOFHen: The same.

Arthur (to Bedevere): Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

BOFHen: The BOFHen demand….. a clue!

Arthur: BOFHen, we are but simple travellers who seek free advice about the administration of our home linux machines.

BOFHen: LART! LART! LART! LART! LART!

Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!

BOFHen: We shall LART you again… if you do not appease us.

Arthur: Well, what is it you want?

BOFHen: We want…..

(pregnant pause)

A 166 MHz Pentium!!!!

(minor music)

Arthur: A *WHAT*?

BOFHen: LART! LART! LART! LART! LART!

Arthur: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a 166 MHz
Pentium.

BOFHen: You must return here with a 166 MHz Pentium… or else you will
never log in… alive.

Arthur: O BOFHen, you are just and fair, and we will return with a 166 MHz
Pentium.

BOFHen: One that looks nice.

Arthur: Of course!

BOFHen: And not *too* expensive.

Arthur: Yes!

BOFHen (excitedly): THEN… Then, when you have found the 166 MHz Pentium,
you must place it here, beside this 25 MHz 486, only slightly higher
so we get the two-level effect with a little private ethernet running
down the middle.

Then, when you have found the 166 MHz Pentium, you must process ten
thousand e-mail messages a minute… wiiiiiithh… A HERRING!

(minor music)

Arthur: We shall do no such thing!

BOFHen: Oh, please!

Arthur: Process e-mail with a herring? Not even qmail would run on that!

BOFHen: AAugh! AAAAAH! Oww!! (writhe in pain) Don’t say that word!

Arthur: What word?

BOFHen: I cannot tell; suffice to say, it is one of the words the denizens
of alt.sysadmin.recovery cannot hear!

Arthur: How can we *not* say the word if you don’t tell us how you expect us
to run the system fast enough not to queue mail?

(BOFHen are in pain again)

BOFHen: Ahhhh! He said it again!

Arthur: What, “if”?

BOFHen: No, not “if”! You couldn’t write many computer programs without
saying “if”!

Bedevere: My liege! It’s Sir Robin!

Sir Robin and his minstrels “ride” up.

Minstrels (singing): He’s sacking it in, and packing it up,

Robin: My liege! Finally that qmail ftp is done and I could come down to
the pub.

BOFHen: Now *he’s* said the word!

Arthur: Surely you’ve not given up on trying to get foo.example.net on-line
by tomorrow morning?

Minstrels, by way of answering: He’s sneaking away, and buggering off,

Robin: Shut up! No no, no, I’ve got qmail building right now!

BOFHen: He said the word again!

Robin: … I was… estimating the load at which we’d begin to queue mail…

BOFHen: AAAAAAAuugh!

Robin: uh, here — here while sitting on a lawn along the canal.

Arthur: No, there’s a routing problem between the wireless network here
and www.qmail.org .

BOFHen: Aaaaaaugh! Stop saying the word!!!!

Arthur (getting really amused by the BOFHen): OH, STOP MAKING ME QUEUE MAIL!!

BOFHen: Ow! He said it again!

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whiskey you cow.” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, “And get me another whiskey you bitch.” Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for coffee. Go and get it now, or I’ll give you a slap.”

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you’re a cheeky bastard.”

---

Two planes arrived at flight control at exactly the same time. Flight control said, “Delta, Continental, you both arrived at the same time. Who wants to go first?”

The Continental pilot immediately heard, “Go ahead, Delta, I’ll wait!”

---

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “Aren’t those parachutes?”

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

---

“If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music… and of aviation.” — Tom Stoppard